Casperson Park, After Dark. Photo by author.
There are moments in life when you lose the people you love, end friendships that you thought were meant to last, distance yourself from family and end relationships once the love has faded into hate.
Sometimes, you lose those that you were not meant to lose. The people who were gone too soon. Those moments sting the hardest as the unexpected reality of their passing hits.
I recently have lost some good friends, not to death, but because they became a victim of circumstance. The circumstance being me, my inability to respect boundaries, my inappropriate need for validation, attention, and reassurance. Those who were in my path of self-destruction have attempted every possible way to be as understanding as possible. Their encouraging words that were once sought became bittersweet symphonies that were on repeat. The strain of my unrealistic expectations and their realistic perspectives have grown into resentment which ultimately ended great friendships.
A friend once told me that I needed to change my perspective and needed to start looking at situations from a different standpoint. I never knew what he meant and besides why would I need to change my opinion on how things should go, why can't people see things from where I am coming from? It wasn't until I started really thinking about what I was doing that made me realize how miserable I really was. Realizations of how much I hated myself and always blamed everyone for my reactions flowed into epiphanies. The reality was, I lacked self-love, perspective, the wanting to change, and the appreciation of those who listened and cared.
Thinking back on conversations and unsolicited advice, I now understand why I wasn't getting the validation I was craving, the compliments I needed, the reactions of my behaviors and the attention I desired. I have become an impossible person to be around and talk with. Everything revolved around me and my problems, negativity and pity. No wonder why people were distancing themselves and eventually cutting ties.
I will always continue to grieve the loss of my good friends and their kindness, listening ears and shoulders to lean on. I appreciate and cherish the moments we held and wish them nothing but the best. Their friendships have taught me to start working on loving myself, to stop basing my perception of myself on what other's think, to provide myself with my own validation.
As this will always be a work in progress, I am continuing to recognize moments when I am "pathetically" begging for approval, bidding for compliments, and not taking accountability for my actions/reactions. Goodbye isn't a bad thing as people come into our lives for a reason and this reason was to teach me how to self-love and appreciate those in my circle.
Comments